small things with great love...

a stirring.

2009-09-17T06:24:00.001-07:00

so i've completely forgotten about blogging. i haven't been reading OR writing. perhaps this is weird to say, but my "muse" is back. i'm looking around and finding things worth sharing. i'm feeling things in my heart that are not able to keep silent. so here i am. back to the steady pluck of these keys.

life is weird. how we choose to live it. will we desire wealth and fame? a beautiful spouse? a worthwhile job (and at whose definition??) or will we desire to live as wanderers. i met a man yesterday. he's homeless and rolling through wherever he goes, experiencing the Lord as he goes. he dives into his word and grows with his savior because he isn't living the rat race. he tries not to let the pressures of america defeat his soul like the rest... i was encouraged in our conversation. i also felt a sense of jealousy. it hit me so quickly that i was confused. i became jealous of his freedom and his hope in the one that saved him. he wasn't bound by worldly things (as i have become). he isn't a slave to selfish ambitions or vain conceit. in our talk, the Word came more alive to me and began to wave like a long lost friend across an open field. will i run to hug him? or saunter showing my disbelief? doesn't the second sound so silly when you can call out and reunite?

i am not sure of what i am afraid of. but it has become clear that i am. i'm growing, breaking, and being stirred and its a good place to be. Adam reminded me of that... and i will continue to pray for these new friends of mine.

2009-05-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

This spring weather is warming me from the outside in. I am beginning to hear the birds and that is so exciting for me. It is when i hear these birds, that i am able to respond to Jesus' gentle voice inside, and I feel more freedom than I could ever know of my own strength...

confused.

2009-04-25T22:37:00.001-07:00

am i reverting? i seem to be in a perpetual funk these past few days. its causing a rift and i feel lonely. boo. i need jesus.

HALLELUJAH

2009-04-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

i know that a lot of people have covered this song... but this morning, as the rain falls down and inspires creativity, i find this song to fill my soul with something entirely exhilerating...

Enjoy.

Some kinks...

2009-03-30T22:35:00.001-07:00

so, i guess im back. if you know me at all, you know im not a "blogger". I'd rather fill my day with other things. Not necessarily that these "other things" are better--they're just... fulfilling. Sharing my brain is something I haven't quite decided to love through the internet. Thoughts and ramblings come out, thats for sure, but these days, they haven't been flowing south to the fingertips. But i will try...

March is over. WHAT?? How did that happen??! We just moved into a big new house, and LOVE it. I have my own enclave in the basement that fits just perfectly, and the basement is almost always quiet. I feel like i have my own apartment! PLUS, im with family. Something that has been severely lacking for the past 3 years. With this and the growth of some friendships, its about spring; inside and out. (Lets just forget about the snow that fell just this morning and covered up my gnomes' little face and red hat!)

I love Colorado. The sky that swallows me whole, feeling small, the closeness of the snow capped mountains, and the fields of grass... this all seems so new. i am used to one of the biggest concrete jungles in the world. Tokyo was a mass God could span with a finger nail, and i learned next to nothing living there for 2 1/2 years. Perspective. What a trip. But being back has been good. not as hard as i thought it would be... and in a few ways, a little harder.

Let me explain. Culture Shock has a way of rearing its head in ways that are completely unsuspecting. I know this now. Before, when i came back from being in Europe where i played with the darling gypsy kids or fed some homeless guys in a park, i felt some sort of guilt for the different lives we led all because of where we happened to be born. After being in Thailand where it seemed everyone had a crippling disease or some other breed of misfortune, i felt responsible for them not having what i wished they could. Even when i got back from Taiwan, i held the weight of the impoverished world on my shoulders because we, as americans, live so comfortably. HOW could i turn a deaf ear? Pretend i never experienced all of that?? But time would pull me from that and sink me back into ignorance. This time, i feel a pulling out of Japan into the pain of America. Its all so backwards. There is so much pain here--so many lost and hurting--and I am seeing that. Without looking back, i can walk with the lessons that ripped me apart and put me back together down inside, and have courage. Courage? yes. i have fear, but im pressing on anyway in the face of that fear.

So im here. Living in a way that forces me to learn. Surrounded by people that refuse to let me stay inactive. Next to family that deserves my everything. I am here. and its working... kinks and all...

God is "Weaving my Unfolding"

2009-01-13T20:46:00.001-08:00

life can be so exhausting amidst big change. when you up and move to another country--whether its "home" or not--it drains the life right out of you. im happy to be here with family. YES. but something is just... off. i dont know how to explain it. its hard to not belong somewhere. im missing the relationships and laughter i had in Japan... and tonight its getting stronger. a familiar song comes on the iPod, and it sends my brain in swirls to the life i used to have. to memories revisited where i see joy on my face and hope in my heart. an unveiling of the beauty i DIDN'T see for so long... and how that all changed. and now, here, i feel stagnate in a way, and i dont know how to wait well. i think this is just my fleeting mood for the evening. im unsure. but i know that now, more than anything, i need to cling to the cloak of the One who loves me... praying all the while. yes... here i go.

2009-01-04T22:52:00.000-08:00

its so fun being back in california... laughing and enjoying "home"... not a home found in this city, but a home found in the hearts of these people. these people that have known me since i was a pipsqueak, and still love me. awww. its so special. today i shared at church--pictures and a speech of sorts--and it was great. everything seems to be reminding me of my mom, and its wonderful. childhood friends and deepening relationships. oh, how lovely. i am so enriched today... so full and bursting with life and great joy!

2008-12-19T15:07:00.000-08:00

KODO is amazing.

went and saw them last night. incredible. the amount of strength these guys have... and their stamina! WOW. so good. i wish video could even do justice what it was live. KODO means heartbeat in Japanese... and its true. even Abby's little baby boy was pounding away on her tummy from the inside when the beat picked up...

still, more goodbyes. i dont know if i can take much more...

and still, i am blessed. Mexican Dinner Party tonight! woot woot. and im going to teach these friends of mine about white elephant gifts... heeheheh. please keep praying for me. im still oh so scattered...

oh and im singing in a choir today "Go Tell it on the Mountain". hehehe. this is going to be fun.

Sayonara desu.

2008-12-17T13:42:00.000-08:00

goodbyes are HARD. especially when you know they're forever. this leaving is ripping my insides and showing me whats important. my heart is struggling, but still somehow, overflowing. i am blessed. so many people love me... and it is because we took the time to know and care one another. tears. lots of them. my little kids giving me gifts of songs about toys and Totoro and being friends forever. christmas lights and something to do every waking moment to make use of my time.

once upon a time, i didnt really have any friends here. but oddly enough, i no longer remember that! and now i am grieving japan. i will miss her. i will miss waking up every morning and saying hello to Mt. Fuji out my window. i will miss the twinkling city skyline and the respective bows. i will miss this world full of giggles... yes, it will be hard to go.

my adult students at one of my schools totally made me cry. when we said goodbye for the last time, Uchiyama san, my oldest student (a grandma) started crying. that broke me. and we all joined in like some 4 part harmony only God could hear and understand. these groanings are so very intense.

then, i finished my favorite school yesterday. so many parties--it was really special. i had a lot of strange pain there, with those teachers, but all is finally healed! i think everything is fixed; and that is HAPPY. how special it all has been. in saying these goodbyes, i am learning that i made a difference. the girl that shadowed me all night, even when her parents wanted to go--that was because she has learned the face of love. the last laughs bring me joy because i know that my life will continue in the way the Lord wants it to...

now, i must write my christmas sermon. i have NOT been able to focus on it at all this week with everything else going on... i hope to finish it now that its LAST MINUTE for my translator! hahaha

peace to you...

weirdest experience of my life.

2008-12-16T03:10:00.000-08:00

once upon a time, there was a small gathering of people in front of a stage in a city known as Tokyo. the floor was sinking and the air was stale from excited beer drinkers ready in anticipation for the lights to change and the amps to blare us into euphoria. first show. lights. costumes. 9 people. spotlight on screamo japanese guy in a long tailed tux playing a knife on a drumstick. lights. a guy on a synthesizer in a skeleton costume. lights. a very tall woman dressed in a french maids costume approaches the microphone with a bass guitar. start the violins. 2 people--a man and a woman--dressed up and playing beautifully. lights. flicker. loud screaming. flinging sweat. obnoxious drummer. keyboards and a mixing machine. costumes that are nondescript... then, lights. a man, in spandex pants and a broccoli pasted head rushes out and starts singing Latin. harmony. tall girl in french maid clad is a man. more screaming. moshing that goes bad. the crowd is bewildered. only 5 people seem to enjoy this show. this freak show. broccoli man has gnarled teeth. he begins to chant and pulls out the tambourine. violins pick up and its beautiful. then polka. then more screaming. then jazz. then funk. then ridiculous falsetto from the man in the black and white miniskirt. disco ball. fear in my heart. orchestral leading from the shirtless broccoli headed man. his nipples shook. there was a chill in the room. i was laughing unable to contain the emotions inside of me. Thank you Vampirella for such a portrait of Tokyo underground. it will NOT be easily shaken.

second act. 3 band members. drums. bass. guitar. normal clothes. drummer is a premadonna. set up took 40 minutes. for this? oh no. beautiful girl in black glitter costume approaches the mic. she sings without expression. nothing in her eyes. gloss drenching her lips. a mole on her cheek. doofy guitar licks. her "sex appeal" backfiring. boring. cute. monotonous. over it. but its the first song. feet hurt. third song ends, i pray she's finished, but all she's doing is getting a drink of water. she bends like a doll. doesn't blink. all the world's a stage. she seems to be dead inside. a doll for men to play with. and the concert continues. i fall asleep standing for the first time at a live show. it ends, and i couldn't be happier.

third act. the act i paid money for. the most lively show i have ever seen live... Anathallo. they were wonderful. they always deliver. they've got mad talent. but why, i must ask, did they play with these other RIDIC-U-LOUS bands?! its a mystery. but it gave me an odd sensation in my gut of what the real face of Tokyo night life is like...

and the fun, it just never ends...

2008-12-16T03:05:00.000-08:00

so, if you ever think its a good idea to throw together a meal consisting of tuna, ketchup, potatoes, radishes, and melted cheese on top--DON'T. its DISGUSTING. and no, i didnt think that up myself... i had to eat it today with my kids. and i about puked. lied and said my stomach hurt so i wouldn't offend anyone. blech. im NOT going to miss these lunches. on the other hand, the kids were so sad to see me go today. i will miss them...

the thing about working at 4 schools is that i have to say goodbye and have parties all week. its a lot more exhausting than it sounds... pray for me, would you? this is a TOUGH week...

2008-12-12T03:13:00.000-08:00

2008-12-12T03:07:00.000-08:00

leaving is drawing ever so near.

2008-12-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

its a jumble. all of it. the emotions of loving it here, and the anticipation of going back. seeing the sadness on peoples faces knowing that im going, and knowing that i cannot change it or fix them. there is so much here that i am loving these days. its wonderfully whelming... and i dont know what to do with myself as dday draws nearer and nearer. its good. of course im excited to be home. dont even doubt that for a second, but its really going to be so sad to go. and thats brilliant. i didnt think it would ever end like THIS.

last night i went to a birthday party, and my friends Eric, Mari, and Moto were sad to see me go. they want to try and spend more time with me even though schedules are insane now in the christmas season...its flattering. and precious. and i love them. Eric is the kind of guy that i feel really safe with and comfortable with. we hug and say 'i love you's' and he kisses my head. mari is a christian and has been emailing me about her faith and how she prays diligently for eric to know Jesus... her words were really humbling and beautiful and i hope to show him Love. to help ease his apprehension...

for so long when i came to tokyo, i was living here, knowing that my "real life" was still in the states. well, at some point that switched and the grieving is very real and very deep. i am losing my home yet again and its a really strange feeling to REALIZE this now that its over. i have many friends that i LOVE. a community of sorts... and i dont want goodbye's to happen. i wish i could just go to save face, but t hen that would mean that i dont get any precious quality time in. so... if you know me at all, you know i will endure--push through the sad and HARD ness of it all so that i can look into every one's eyes for one last time.

here we go.

2008-11-13T03:56:00.001-08:00

Though the beech is golden
I cannot stand beside it
mute, but must say

"It is golden," while the leaves
stir and fall with a sound
that is not a name.

It is in the silence
that my hope is, and my aim.
A song whose lines

I cannot make or sing
sounds men's silence
like a root. Let me say

and not mourn: the world
lives in the death of speech
and sings there

-Wendell Berry

the randomness that life brings...when you're not looking

2008-11-12T15:08:00.000-08:00

so, i was out at this pub last night with my wonderful friend Ryoko. you know, the one with the great laugh? the laugh that soothes your soul because its shouts of its unabandoned freedom? yes. so we're eating and talking and enjoying all of life--unwinding after another day, and these 3 people come in. they sit at the table next to us and i realized that this british guy is speaking GREAT japanese with these other two people. i was envious of him... well, anyway, after 10 minutes or so, i had to get something out of my bag and had to move his coat a bit, and he said, "im sorry pretty, you have a great accent" and i laughed. how in the world do I, little miss californian sunshine (ahahah) have an accent? did oregon change me? possible, i guess. anyway, we all end up spending our evening together, talking in both japanese and english enjoying it all. the dank dark pub, loud music and laughs and incredible similarities. this guy is crazy. he's got shops (like restaurants and stuff) all over tokyo. he has something like 15 or so. crazy. anyway, turns out he loves Ryoko's hometown (which is smaller than a walnut on a hot afternoon) and lives near me out here in BFE. he owns a few schools too, and said that the kids school is too much for him to handle now. its all paid for and there is a good student base in a great location... and he offered it to me! he said he would just give it to me if i wanted it! how crazy is that??! so, needless to say, im thinking about it a bit... just wondering what japan would be like without the rules and space that i have had to adhere to. and it sounds, well, possible. i dont know. just thinking. the evening ended (all things do) and we headed back, on an absolute HIGH. we had such a surprising great time! i LOVE random interactions that free me up and remind me why im alive!

a day that shines...

2008-11-07T06:42:00.000-08:00

what a great day! woke up and talked with my sister for a while. we haven't talked in over a week because, well, i think we were avoiding talking about the presidential election. now that its over, we can move on, in a way... which relieves me. i dont want to fight with her on our different opinions. so i headed to the train station, which involves either a 20 minute walk or a bus ride. today, i chose the bus. i noticed a man with a big suitcase (hard to miss here when everyone looks at you like they are so inconvenienced you brought luggage with you to a public place!) we both headed to the bakery for a make-shift breakfast--a coffee and a something small to eat--and he started talking to me! it was great. he was really interesting; living in Shanghai but Japanese and is tri-lingual. he works a lot, and whenever he has time off, he goes out of country to see more of the world. how wonderful. i love meeting people like him... and really, there are MANY of them. as far as you leave america to find them? heheh, who knows.

so anyway, i went across town to meet a friend for a date at the museum. It was this exhibit i have been wanting to see for over a month called "The Poetry of Silence" by Vilhelm Hammershoi. It was SO GOOD. there were some great pieces. he used oil well to depict light in his dark landscapes and portraits... sometimes using people... but always using doors and tricks of light and beautiful furniture. it was intoxicating. Yasuko and i just stared and gasped as the 90 different paintings passed us by. it was too much fun! Here are a few of my favorites:

mmm, im inspired to create again. its been a while, but its pumping through me and needs to escape! i love this feeling... its been gone for FAR TOO LONG.

We then headed to lunch... MEXICAN! it was REALLY good... i haven't had such authentic mexican food in all the 2+ years here in Japan! sure, if it were in america, i wouldn't think it were that great at all, but here, wow. delectable! :) as we started eating, 2 foreigners sat down and they seemed nice. Yasuko and i were talking a bit about the Obama/McCain election, and they started talking with us about the issue! i told them I voted Obama, and they were so excited! that started a complete snowball of conversation. We talked about many things, and actually, i learned some things about them too! it was great... yasuko and i agreed that we LOVE older friends--like parents--because they are willing to let you be you, but they offer wisdom and life experience to match what you are walking in yourself. its a beautiful portrait of community. and we love it. as we parted, we did the western thing of HUGGING. hehee, so happy... i never hug anymore. but it always feels like home when i get to. then they invited us to their home in Massachusettes if ever we find ourselves on that side of the globe. i love new friends!

We did a little shopping and some TEA. mmm. lovely. and great conversation! why couldn't we have met and known one another for longer than just these past few months?!

Heading off our different directions and saying goodbye was good because we decided that next weekend, we're going to go hiking in which case i am taking my sketch book, and she's taking her camera. its all about inspiring creativity. and we're excited! got to make the best of my time here while it lasts, eh?!

then, to jiyugaoka to be with Abby and Jason. We always have a great time of laughing and conversing about all different kinds of topics. i feel so comfortable with them and love sharing life with them. already, i am starting to miss them. but i guess thats too mushy to start saying by now... all i know is that i think they are wonderful (and no, im not just saying that because i know you read my blog!!)

i loved my day. its fall. its cool. people are everywhere, walking around with their own stories and their own beliefs of love and where to find hope. its interesting. and i feel like the world is just one LARGE book waiting for me to peel back the pages and jump right in. excuse me for doing so, huh? its lovely. all of it.

Japan's got rules.

2008-11-06T03:24:00.001-08:00

japan is a silly place full of wonky rules that an outsider can never really understand. here is a ridiculous example. I went to the city library to check out a book and renew one that i've already had my 2 weeks. the lady, in VERY APOLOGETIC japanese, explains that she cannot allow me to renew my book, because its a Lonely Planet book, and these are special. we must allow time for the next person to have the option of checking this book out. So, after she allows me to check out the other book, she explains that there is a chain of command (of sorts). she takes the book and walks across the library to a sorting shelf, in which she sorts and files the book away to be reshelved. then, she tells me to bring it back to her at the counter once she has returned. then, and only then, can she allow me to check it out once again. it all seemed so silly. like it was some tricky thing for the CIA or maybe she didnt want to get in trouble in case someone really important was watching?? haha, who knows. in japan, you CANNOT break rules. wow, how freeing it could have been for her to just check it in and check it back out. i used to do that when i worked in a library. in and out. books are books. but, i guess that is what makes her japanese, and me OH SO american?

now...

2008-10-10T19:09:00.001-07:00

so its about fall. there are crunchy leaves on the ground, and laughter bubbling from my heart. its happy. millie is here for the weekend; we're going to the Passion conference Monday... gotta love world tours!! we're having fun--im having fun. i love hosting--having guests. cooking. laughing over coffee and good music. making memory associations to smells and new sounds. oh its lovely. fall reminds me always of newness somehow. yes, i see the irony--leaves are dying, right? but the explosion of colour always sends me on this flurry of thoughts (thought strings, of course, im circular) where not only am i thankful to be alive, but im happy to be in life--in community--with the world around me. as broken as it is, its beautiful. truly. and i love being a part of its heartbeat. oh, october. full of promise and bloated with joy. what a lovely new place to find myself in. i should have told people i was leaving a long time ago so that they would want to finally invest in our relationship! hahaa. oh, im loving it all...

a bit of newness...

2008-10-02T17:34:00.000-07:00

FINALLY. sinking back in. the weather has begun to cool. thats helpful. and the standing up of friends that seem ready (after so much time) to stand up and deepen our relationships. i guess the scare is in them that im leaving... thats good, right? i mean, it is so great that i have friends that are BECOMING FRIENDS as they deepen. ooh, i dont know if that makes sense. we're changing levels. and its wonderful to find that as we get deeper, the friends i picked (that picked me?) are wonderful. that there is only an exciting unfurling of tales and emotions as we work at this whole relationship thing. the other night, i sat with one of my private students in her car (she drove me from school to the train station) and she told me about all of the pain in her life. her mom is crazy and is an alchoholic and tried to kill my friends husband because they decided they were going to divorce in the near future. there are 3 kids involved (all of which are my students) and this is hard for everyone involved. its hard to point a finger on where its all gone wrong because its been ongoing for the past 6 years or so. wow. so in her hand, she held the dark dirty, something hard HARD to do here in Japanese culture, and held it out for me--completely vulnerable. and i took it. with joy. and have been praying for her... and feel like more of my heart is coming alive. i have a freedom to love her. and that has been so new and exciting. there are other stories like this that make my heart soar. its crazy wonderful. im so sad it took this long and this circumstance for people to realize that they must act on their relationship or, well, give up--BUT, im glad that they've learned through our acquaintence... or superficial relationship... that i try to be a safe place to go to. so, im sinking back in here, and am beginning to look at my time left as special... and skunai. not much. not much for all of the things i want to do with the people i am finding i LOVE. and that, my friends, is REFRESHING BEYOND BELIEF. oh, if only i had more words...

p.s.

2008-09-12T18:11:00.001-07:00

ok, so i took a side trip with my dad to beloved Happy Camp. We made it just in time for the Bigfoot Jamboree! Jealous?? gotta love it all, right?

Butch! It was his 60th Birthday...

CLASSIC.

thats right, folks. Superman and Catwoman on horses!?

only in Happy Camp...

i went, i saw, i remembered i love pt. 3

2008-09-12T17:58:00.001-07:00

then, to L.A.

Daniel, come on, you aren't REALLY a vegetarian...?

one. sexy. eye.

BEACHING!

my little suzy homemaker :)

"I'm really going to miss you" pose.

i went, i saw, i remembered i love pt. 2

2008-09-12T17:48:00.001-07:00

ok ok, so that was all just Maui. Here's a glimpse of Denver.

i LOVE her.

i went, i saw, i remembered i love...

2008-09-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

What a lovely time i had on this vacation. it was so refreshing to be with family and with my real self. its funny how when i go out from this place, i feel a different me take shape... its a "me" that i am comfortable with, and am encouraged to know. she strengthens me and brings new light to the world. i wish she weren't so afraid of THIS world... in any event, i thought i would take advantage of the "bloggers world: where real thoughts are given without holding back (hopefully)".

first, i went to maui to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding! it was great to be in that beautiful country, swimming everyday!

ooooooooh...

she sure was beautiful!

ahhhhhhh....

when i needed a breather from the bridal party-ness, here's what i found!

wowowow.

oh maui, i miss you already... i will see you again, one day!

We really had a great time. We all relaxed and caught up and rolled around in our red impalla. it was ridiculous really. we got lost IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD late one night wanting ice cream, and the plans failed. we turned around and headed home. we got fried together snorkeling at some rich fancy hotel and saw lots of crazy cool fish. we shopped, we laughed--oh did we laugh--and just let the island take control. oh, let me not forget to tell you that we loved hearing Laura's rendition of Mt. Aleakala... and the locals LOVED teaching her bad slang. she's just, what should i say... um. super gullible? yes. we love her. we loved it all, really.

cheers!

thoughts...

2008-08-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

its crazy how things make sense some how. im here, and im loving it. im loving my time with these friends. these friends that have changed, and are also allowing my changes to teach them who i am now too. we're playing and growing and seeking together. the comfort and the safety in these friendships is refreshing me in ways that i didnt know could be. i feel more empowered to go for my last stint of the way in Japan, and i know that the Lord is with me...and walking before me. i am hopeful that this is all continually making me fuller and more trusting in the Lord. less possessive of the power i hold so tightly to as a human being. i want more, but for the glory of Christ... cheers to these times... these times of stumbling and finding where you least expect the radiant beauty to be!

family is a GOOD THING.

2008-08-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

being with family makes sense. it never used to. family always reminded me of things painful. reminded me of fragmented memories that ended in tears, or opened up stories from a well i tried to hide by burying them in darkness. but now, somehow, i feel different. the shards of my past dont cut like they used to. i dont bleed with insecurity and hurt from a hard childhood anymore. and seeing how i react with my family NOW is testament to this present growth? this softening joy that has made it impossible for me to remember my childhood as dark. my sister and i are forever best friends, and i wouldn't change that for anything. she is amazing and strong and bold--things i want to be. in her, i see beauty. integrity. humbleness. and in being with her, i feel rejuvenated. cleansed. understood. it is so marvelous how family can truly band together and give us a back bone worth celebrating. i love it... i hope this "high" lasts... i hope this helps me in my final push... i hope i dont forget all of this... i hope many many things...

thoughts on emotions and church

2008-08-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

i was so sad to leave that strand of islands... it was a roller coaster to be there experiencing life alongside others i haven't seen in a long time, and still don't know if we "figured things out", but we tried. and that breed of trying hasn't been a part of my life in a long time... the straining grip that was curled around my heart has loosened... God met me in that carpet warehouse and my current brokenness is waiting for a healing that i doubted could come. these past two years have seriously been trying on my emotions. like a switch, im cold then hot, depending on my current country of residence, mood, or understood support. i feel more lost, but at the same time, more found, because i know who i am in Jesus somehow. in being so alone so often, i have retreated to him, and/or the idea of him, and its become a "home base" of sorts. he's never far except when bitterness and doubt take me over. but i know that he is ALWAYS my shepherd. he will never leave me in the valley with the shadows of death biting at my ankles... and in this, i find my Savior. not in church programs or in the pain that is so constant in my own church in Tokyo... but in relationship. in being hopeful that this relational church that always cracks me open and blesses me beyond reason, is the church mentioned in the bible. THIS is God's church... and THIS is what i will always love and strive to find (and give?) in our broken and weeping world.

2008-07-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

maui water on my skin... this is happy.

i am liking this newness... the reunions and the laughter. the swimming and the new people. the new culture... the crazy culture shock i am being crushed under... its all so interesting. mostly its confusing... but im rolling with it all... mostly because the way of the island pushes me that way... we'll see how it all unfolds. a wedding in 3 days. weird. exciting? mostly.

2008-07-27T07:13:00.002-07:00

2008-07-27T07:13:00.001-07:00

2008-07-23T04:17:00.001-07:00

its funny how music understands me. and how it is the common thread between people... and making them come alive together. side by side. grinning at the world because music is a deep part of them. i love the music. how it hears me and allows me to know it in its beautiful vulnerability.

i hope i will never get enough.

2008-06-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

embarrassed tears. thats happy. you make me happy. you fill my heart with joy... you two know who i mean... random hiccups. ha. you have my heart and i love that. thank you for getting me and for listening and for CARING. in the deep ways that cannot be recreated in all the world. you are so special to me... and i love that. you make me stronger and fill me with beauty, even when i dont have the right eyes to see it all. thank you.

see you soon. prepare for the time of your lives! HA HA. :)

2008-06-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

emotional weeks are intense. i've just had one, and hopefully its being left in the past... but who really knows, right? its fun and exhausting and scary at times. hey, isn't that the definition of a roller coaster? such is life here in Japan. im a mess...

2008-05-29T23:14:00.001-07:00

it all gets me thinking... and stirs me from the inside out.
dreams are coming back.
i feel it all growing.
like grass cracking open pavement.
and this liveliness cannot be understood with words.
only by the groanings deep within...

2008-05-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

"its me... in the thing..."

unfurling...

2008-05-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

its the most beautiful thing i have felt in months... you know, aside from that one, glorious story on that one magical night... ever since deciding. really actually honestly deciding, i feel myself alive. my fingers are no longer numb and my legs itch to stretch and jump as though they have been healed of some bed ridden disease. i feel hope like its choking me in wonder. how can i complain? its like falling into a meadow where you only thought terror exists. i feel like i'm coming back, and there is no way to stop the momentum. i cried out and was heard. i waited and waited and waited, and the Lord heard my cry. and not only that, but gave me a NEW SONG. and its brilliant. and now, i feel like dancing--something i haven't been able to really do for over a year. i can sing again with freedom of heart. i can laugh and feel my eyes sparkle of joy. this transformation is brilliant. i was so heavy and so dark, and then it came time for this surprising unfurling. oh, may there be more and more and more and more and more of this newness within my soul...

on teeter totters.

2008-05-19T06:22:00.000-07:00

when i was a little girl, i nearly had to pay my big sister to play with me. we could have had such fun, but i was too little for so long that by the time i was play-able, she was over it. she didn't need me, she had a system. (it probably helped that when i was not quite 3 and i was pushing her on our rinky dink jungle gym out in the back yard, my two front teeth got knocked out by her feet when i thought i'd go "underdog" style. i mean, all the big kids did it. QUESTION: how in the world, at that age, did i know what the big kids were doing? was i just obnoxiously perceptive? probably not, but what...?

i remember never getting to teeter totter. not until college. and that, my friends is sad. because there is a lot of wisdom in the experience of a teeter totter.

i've said this before, but really truly, what a ride this proves to be. i am so close to claiming the "2 year mark" and it baffles me. time is SO tricky... like, yes. i have been here FOREVER. but really? didn't i just start? how do i know so much of the language and feel so comfortable in the everyday of living in an entirely different country? its brilliant really. the feeling of taming something that seemed to be such a beast. of course, if you know me at all, you know it hasn't been just a lovely gay time. i've been knocked around, and i often think im the person eluded to in stories about the poor kid still running the race after everyone goes home. i'm still running, thats true, but man its exhausting. so fuse that together with my confusion of feeling like i just got here and it gets quite confusing. because if it were true that i did, in fact, just get here... i am REALLY dramatic. but, if i honestly HAVE been here, and have experienced all of THIS that is bobbing about within me, well, then, i say, its time to get home.

2008-05-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

last night was good times. we celebrated Mike's birthday here and ate yummy food. it was great... hummus and yummy breads and cheeses, and weird/delicious pastas and salads and jumpy meatballs and spicy soups. it was nice. its fun to fine these hideaways where i forget im in this city and feel my defenses lower. PLUS, its a great way to watch schmoozers with horrible "game" and girls that try TOO HARD to be cute showing too much flesh or wearing WRONG bras that shape their schtuff into literal shelves... im just quoting Mike...

2008-05-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

"...God brings abundant redemption..."

hope has shattered me. im new. i love that my God chases me and doesn't give up... i love that, even in my smallness, he cares for me with great intentionality and grace. i love to find i am wrong in the face of pain. and i love to know that i am not alone even when lies press in on all sides telling me i'm lonely beyond repair.

this shattering brings me alive.

this livelihood brings perspective... and i know i can make it.
not by my strength... but His.

breathing again. i think i can feel myself standing taller than before...

2008-04-26T17:20:00.001-07:00

my breath of fresh air is here. im leaving on a jet plane and couldn't feel more peaceful inside. its beautiful... God is taking care of me, i know that, and i am floating, knowing that i am about to be surrounded by people that care. that are in my face, being real, laughing, and experiencing newness TOGETHER. i have been aching for more. more community. more connectedness. sad that it has to come this way. but it works out for me... i'm a fan.

flying to the other side of the world. mmm...

:Listen to Radiohead's In Rainbows today and think of the beauty that surrounds us everywhere we turn.

open your eyes.

the stress of trains.

2008-04-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

traveling on an uber crowded train in tokyo is eerie. its hot no matter what the temperature is outside, and no one talks. seriously. its creepishly silent. you see, its a vulgar disrespect to talk on cell phones, and it seems its equally so to talk amongst friends. i cannot count the times i have been glared at for laughing out loud or even just talking to whomever im with. its alarming for me--always. so, there you are, standing, smooshed, and hanging like a monkey, familiar with every creek of the train beneath your feet, and the steady breathing of the drunk men surrounding you. the book in your bag presses tightly into your armpit and the stress of keeping your footing and trying not to fall on others with the sway of the train flusters you in a way that makes little beads of sweat form on your very own brow. you begin to read the poster ads overhead because you become convinced that the air really is clearer pointed upward. and then, someone coughs. its strong enough that the air passes from their face mask, and flusters your hair. uncomfortable you stand, unable to remove the hair from your eyes, because your hands are occupied--one holding on for dear life, and the other trying to stay out of unmentionable places. really, its hard to avoid any of it. and its all in this silent movie of train life even in rush hour on a friday night. its a strange mystery, even after 2 years.

2008-04-21T23:56:00.001-07:00

um, im declaring this the year of travel. i think whenever travel presents itself, i will just go. what is saving money really? i mean, spend now or spend later, right? cheers... here's to memories and cultures and happy times. mmm, let the games begin!

the beauty of clouds

2008-04-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

floating as if on some faded
kite string suspended
from another universe

puffs of white weighted by gray
smoothly glide before a
sea colored backdrop

the winds refine with grace
continually making new shapes
with the leaves that gently
sway below the spectacle

and these same gusts whisper
into all of who i am
as i watch from this tower

that such a grace is given
so that i may live
UNTETHERED

a beginning? or a breath?

2008-04-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

today was wonderful. it was its own entity- -somehow. i dont know what happened or even how it surprised me in its mere existence, but now i sit, unable to slow my mind in a kind of prayer that begs my God to never let this end...

2008-04-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

we've found ourselves in a place that says that independence is all important. that we must be strong and fight off the "demons" that come and haunt us. these could be demons of our pasts, demons in relationships, or demons from hopes gone wrong. i dont know, but being here in Tokyo, without closeness has really shown me that being independent is exhausting. It makes me think about Christ, and when Jesus was here on this earth, he needed others. He needed God. of course. and he needed help as he climbed the hill to die. he was vulnerable... and that stills me.

its possible this doesn't make sense. forgive me. i have food poisening... blast and drats. but my brain has officially shut down for the evening...

2008-04-09T05:20:00.001-07:00

all in the spirit of sping...

on cherry blossom viewing... (ohanami)

2008-04-04T22:23:00.000-07:00

it was quite like a dream, really. there i was, in my own fairy book tale, meeting people, laughing, and coming alive. the way this culture loosens up with the setting sun and the fizzing cans of delight. its amazing; like clockwork. i am full. picnicing under the stars and the gentle and steady fall of sakura snow, surrounded by friends and good conversation... these are the things i thrive on and live for. these are the things i deeply miss. though, for that night, all that mattered was my presence with the moment. the fears, the worries, and even the insecurities disappeared altogether at the face of such closeness. closeness in body on a blanket in an experiential communion surrounded by what seemed like the whole of tokyo. and closeness in spirit. we all enjoyed our time so deeply. so purely. and we genuinely engaged in one another and got to know others in freedom and grace. it was quite the party and i am so blessed by my time there surrounded by such blunt and honest beauty.

2008-04-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

to be straddling the pain of loss and joyous laughter. it doesn't make sense. in fact, it exhausts me. when will the pulling stop, and i can once again FEEL?

2008-04-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

2008-03-23T19:31:00.001-07:00

Loss

2008-03-07T17:20:00.000-08:00

loss, it pains me.
i wait
for hope to fill me
and to come and shed
a light so bright
my eyes close
not in anxiousness
but in warmth
i hope for a tear
that won't bleed
but there is no way
the bottle can
remain corked
when brokenness
shoves me in the corner
to watch life
swirl once again.

In Our Bedroom After the War--Stars

2008-03-06T18:22:00.001-08:00

Wake up
Say good morning to
That sleeping person
Lying next to you
If there’s no one there
Then there’s no one there
But at least the war is over

It’s us
Yes, we’re back again
Here to see you through
Til the day’s end
And if the night comes
And the night will come
Well at least the war is over

Lift your head and look out the window
Stay that way for the rest of the day and watch the time go

Listen, the birds sing
Listen, the bells ring
All the living are dead
And the dead are all living
The war is over
And we are beginning

Gridlock
On the parkway now
The television man
Is here to show you how
The channel fades to snow
It’s off to work you go
But at least the war is over

She’s gone
She left before you woke
As you ate last night
Neither of you spoke
Dishes, tv, bed
The darkness filled with dread

But at least the war is over

Lift your head and look out the window
Stay that way for the rest of the day and watch the time go

Listen, the birds sing
Listen, the bells ring
All the living are dead
And the dead are all living
The war is over
And we are beginning

We won
Or we think we did
And you went away
You were just a kid
And if you lost it all
And you lost it
Well, we’ll still be there
When your war is over

Lift your head
And look out the window
Stay that way for the rest of the day
And watch the time go

Listen, the birds sing
Listen, the bells ring
All the living are dead
And the dead are all living
The war is over
And we are beginning

Here it comes,
Here comes first day
Here it comes,
Here comes first day
It starts up in our bedroom after the war
It starts up in our bedroom after the war
After the war (repeat to end)

a fun...

2008-02-23T05:14:00.001-08:00

little something that made me happy tonight...

Plastic bag...

2008-02-22T15:34:00.000-08:00

wind grabs you by the hand
and spins you unexpectantly
madly spinning, euphoric
such luxury is foreign
to your cellophane skin

often, you hide in corners
along busy streets
near people enslaved by time
calling them filthy names as they pass
like some misunderstood bastard

days coming and going--
a battle between light and dark
a tedious mundanity you've
learned to love--

and neither joy nor pain
tend to find you in these cracks
amidst the dust and broken leaves

until this wind reaches down
and tickles you
like a luxurious golden feather
and stubbornness is lost; even forgotten

you're free to
FLY.

Stained Glass

2008-02-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

Fractured light beats its wings
Against a freckled stage
Mingling in a waltz with blues and greens
The bending of such an illumination
Makes up an image bright and bold
Softened by golden muted hues reminiscent
There is a sky, a canopied backdrop
To announce the brilliance of hope
With ringing bells encased in towers
Full of bustling prayers and needy thoughts
I only see reflected light.
How, Lord, do you see it all
Unveiled?

breathing in fullness...

2008-02-15T01:45:00.000-08:00

despite the sickness that won't leave my body, i am doing well. life is good... i am seeing change. God is present... and the pressing silence isn't so dreadful anymore. perhaps because there is a hint of whisperings that leave me breathless with hope... hope. ah hope. something i have not found in so long... and here it is. begging for care and a blanket this night. How lovely.

Not safe... but good...
not safe... but Good...
NOT safe... BUT Good...
not SAFE... but GOOD.

2008-01-27T17:30:00.000-08:00

why did i used to fear myself the way i did? how silly i was... fearing my potential, and not knowing what things WERE, so i hid from them. perhaps that is the way it goes when you're young and have no one around to talk to where it feels safe. i never knew i would become this girl. the girl that, when she has free time, would genuinely enjoy studying both scripture and philosophy. The girl that loves to get dirty in paint trying to communicate an experience with God or with the words bouncing around in her head that weren't communicable through poems. She loves music and gets lost in melodies and harmonies alike, and desires so deeply to give everything in a way that fills her with more of the Spirit. She isn't as afraid to fail, and is learning that rejection from things is a blessing. There's a sewing machine in her living room, and she wants to create MORE. from the overflow of her joy, she's making new things... she's living. actually living, and its a miracle. for her heart used to be so beaten down. and now she embraces what she has and tends to it. for what are we but stewards of what has been showered upon us?

so art is coming...
art is life.
creating is living.

A deep dark

2008-01-25T06:08:00.000-08:00

i miss relationship. i get lost in reading books and sucked into different tv programs and in watching people and in dreaming of a future that is bright like my past... but why? because im lonely. it grips me and i feel the pain physically of being alone. still grieving much loss, i dont know how to move forward, for my language skills are less than "enough" and im left feeling hollow. and broken. and im clinging to the hem of the One who walks by... hoping my faith will heal me... but i can't be sure. i need more; i need the Light back so i can wake up in the mornings feeling joy rather than an ache. if this is depression, im already tired. it may win... i need prayer; i hope the groanings of my spirit are enough... for there isn't much else i have to offer right now.

God isn't safe, but he IS good.............

2008-01-12T14:33:00.000-08:00

being home brought my soul rest. we were busy, sure. it was christmas... gifts needed to be bought and wrapped for the perfect kiddo, scarves needed making, and cookies needed to be baked. all of that was secondary, however, to the cry of my heart that God took the time to coddle. being alone all day long in my community of one here in tokyo, i have forgotten the power and pleasure God beams with. i have forgotten so much. and have even forgotten that love alone goes wasted when not done in His name. i have been wasting time, getting by, remembering to breath only by a whim. now i feel full and excited again about a God that loves the broken hearted and the meek. i feel empowered because i am trying to expect more; because the Word says that he will give us so much more than we could ever ask for or imagine. wow. i can't even begin to understand...

ah, simplicity.

2008-01-02T16:33:00.000-08:00

i love the comfort of coffee shops. the horizon is faded closely to black over the mountains--and because of the lingering snow, the tops of these homes nestled in her wings are glowing pinkish purple. there is a fire in the fireplace, and my almond latte is bringing me more joy than i thought it could. perhaps it is because my sister made it for me. she's wonderful. i am full now. somehow i have been stripped so that i am thankful for the simplicity of life.

Close your eyes
And remember the sounds
Of great love pursuing all
That beeps within you.
There is no place so far that
You cannot be found
And no place so hidden---nor dark
That you cannot find your way
Now open your tired eyes
To see that there is still
A light that pierces this present darkness
Binding fear and regret
Bringing hope and grace to the tearing
Hems in your very soul.
Unfurl those clenched hands
And wait for the blessing
To fall
To rain
To pierce
Your brokenness in a way
That makes you new
Clean
Full
Bursting
And above all else; FORGIVEN.

This too shall be made right...

2007-12-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

This woman...

2007-12-31T11:15:00.000-08:00

"If I ever become a saint--I will surely be one of 'darkness.' I will continually be absent from Heaven--to light the light of those in darkness on earth."

~Mother Teresa of Calcutta

I am learning so much from the life of this precious woman. She's such a wonderful lady. Surely, there are different words to express this ladies life (and example), but I have lost the words...

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415,00.html

A King and a Kingdom ~ Derek Webb

2007-12-31T10:47:00.000-08:00

Derek Webb A King & A Kingdom Lyrics

who's your brother, who's your sister
you just walked passed him
i think you missed her
as we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'cause we married in to a family of immigrants

my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

there are two great lies that ive heard:
the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

but nothing unifies like a common enemy
and weve got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think
Lyrics > Derek Webb Lyrics > Derek Webb A King & A Kingdom Lyrics

2007-12-24T09:08:00.000-08:00

your little familiar arms
hold me tight
and take my heart captive
as light dances on
homemade snowflakes
and twinkly white lights.
the joys of jesus' birth
fills you and me with
an awareness to give
from an overflow
that comes
because Christ was born.

2007-12-03T05:29:00.000-08:00

Your song calms me
Little bird
Hot sticky breath
Leaves these lungs
As I exhale pain in whispers
--These secrets with the trees
Faint traces of rain
Bleed from bare dark
And falls atop old leaves
That have seen better days.

This is where I come for
A release from the Loud.
Distractions wind me so tight
It’s no wonder
I can’t understand
Silence.
Simplicity.

But these coiling limbs of dark
Continue to reach for the sky
Enduring the harsh and cold
Loneliness.
Their change is small
But is enough to still
My wounded soul.

Change need not be great to
Live well.
In fact, stretched before me
Is a thick blanket of lush greens,
Blades waiting for their time
To fade into winter.
The black.

It’s December now and
I’ve found the only green that remains
Ringing a bell to beckon Hope.
And on this day
Even amidst the haze and noise below
It is actually being heard.
Loud and clear—such is the way of silence.

2007-11-16T00:49:00.000-08:00

one strand of hope
thats all i strain to see
amidst the bloated rush
plaguing this city
i need to find something
to love in the lost, swimming
wites of these almond shaped eyes.
it's lonely befriending silence
giving in to its needs
forgetting your own
apathetic blood breaks your vains
and you find you are swimming
in a sea that isn't yours to swim
but still, my eyes are hoping to find
the strand that will empart meaning.

2007-11-08T22:04:00.001-08:00

Running so hard i worry my knees will buckle as i make this corner. My heart is pounding in my chest in a way that if i could feel it, it would be like a neurotic bird trying to escape its cage with flurried wings. quickly, i approach the stairs that are dappled with sunlight; you know the kind where day meets night, and the magical kiss leaves you new somehow by its mystery? But this time, i can't stop to take it all in. I can't try to scoop the magic up into my hands to keep safe in my pockets because for now, they are clenched and have thoughts too big to escape. So, up i go, past the light hitting the hard wood, banging my feet ever so begrudgingly as my chest heaves up and down. i glance behind me, and i can still see his shadow. its there and it seems to be getting closer even still. No matter how hard i run, will i never escape? now i have reached a hall filled with many doors. "perhaps this is a school?" i wonder. not knowing what is behind each different door, i run further into the darkness, hoping to escape the shadow that follows in its looming, quiet, annoying way. all i can remember now is the loss of shadow amidst darkness. it DID swallow me whole, just as i was afraid it would. but i guess at least the running can stop and i can just wait for what it will do to me. see if my fears were valid...

2007-11-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

and the light
beckoned forth
by one single breath
forming a body
so important to sheild
the Soul of man.
Fragile and still he lays
waiting to bloom
to see beauty
and to react to her
He dreams of days
where freedom satiates
the roar of hunger
that shakes his core
But the body; this cage
has bound and gagged
the man within.
He lays, writhing in agony
the answer so plain.
But the cage fears
the potential within

If beauty becomes realized
If life bears fruit

He can no longer hide.
He must be released
The cage is unlocked
and beauty takes control. Oh no.
Chaos is something to fear
--Because love is just that--
Something fearful
bringing LIGHT to the unbelieving
that won't be contained forever
in one rattling cage.

it will change the world
it has been waiting and growing
for this.
since the beginning.

2007-11-01T06:33:00.000-07:00

with green so bright and protective
how could i ever need anything more?
wind makes her dance for me
and our smiles linger like old lovers.
Flecks--fragments--twist and coil
falling to dirt and rippling water
going back to what it was before
and i see that the green
is fading before my eyes
This vain beauty will soon be a memory
contained only within these pages
And darkness will hush her early
this year
Perhaps she just needs her beauty sleep?
Or perhaps death will become her.
When will we ever know for sure,
which moment will be our last?

2007-11-01T06:06:00.001-07:00

thoughts furrow your brow
effectively shutting your heart
"what good is it to trust, to feel?"
Anger embodies itself in you
drying you out from the inside
-I see bones so lonely they'd weep
if only they had a friend to care.
but you're finally a sleeping cage
six feet below the smiles
you could have easily entertained.

i guess this is easier
perhaps you won
but my heart broke for you today
because you really aren't
so forgotten.

2007-11-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

i love when the eerie night
sounds become dissonant
~chirping life
~singing child
~honking horns in separation
my skin becomes speckled
flesh at the remembrance
of light cutting dark
and this light
also
runs through my veins.

2007-11-01T05:59:00.000-07:00

An overinflated sky
lays low above the trees
stripped bare of dignity
so honest these hues
of green, peach, and brown
hiding the cliche of blue.
she's losing her fight
-tears hit my shoulders-
she's fading fast
There's no way to help
her pain so deep
but to give her time
blackness will swallow
all that is left
and we'll start again; anew
After the rain.

My Eyes So Soft ~Hafiz

2007-10-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

Don't
Surrender
Your loneliness so quickly.
Let it cut more
Deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice so
Tender,

My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.

2007-10-28T06:20:00.000-07:00

I’m currently a bit sick, and I’m pretty sure its to blame on the constant flurry of my life these past few weeks. I remember being really busy last October, but didn’t remember ENOUGH to be prepared for what was coming. It's the kind of busy-ness that one can’t really explain, and there isn’t much to show for it, but change was made, and I feel somehow refreshed because of it all.

Japan is extra beautiful right now. Aside from my fear yesterday during the freak typhoon, the leaves are still clinging for life and are a gorgeous cross blend of oranges, greens, yellows, and reds. The late bloomers like the Maple’s and the Ginkgo’s are fighters, while still, others are almost completely stripped bare. This morning, the air was so clear that Mount Fuji startled me as I looked off my balcony. I could have sworn he was crawling closer for me to see him in more detail. I simply love the magic in fall. I feel like a kid again at the smallest most wondrous things.

I have been thinking a lot about Light and darkness lately. It started a few weeks ago during one of the bible studies I have with the four ladies. They weren’t understanding the euphemism relating to sin, and in turn, following what the Light of the World really meant… so we tackled it head on, and its been reverberating in my head ever since. Actually, just this morning I taught in church about this subject; fitting that Halloween is just around the corner? I like that the Lord is Light. That he created it and formed us by it. That in it we are changed and refined, and also, are known and loved. I love that we cannot hide from it, nor can we dwell in darkness and claim light. Wait, now that is where it gets tricky, right? But still, I find it extremely exciting. There is still much to learn, but I am encouraged by God’s word and by the very light that is left flickering through the leaves that are left high overhead.

Time is flying by so fast here. I know it is because I am 2 parts busy, and 1 part distracted, but it’s exciting. I have been craving family time, which I will get this year for Christmas. If only I can wait a little while longer… And I have been really blessed to have friends come and visit me—experiencing all of this right along with me. It’s such a gift to truly share ourselves with others… both in the flesh, and in spirit. It helps us down the road, and allows us to see a little more clearly because our vision isn’t COMPLETELY tunneled.

So, basically, I am thankful for support and encouragement along the way, and for a love that is bold enough that isn’t afraid to shine bright before men. God is good, I am learning, and learning love deeper still. And I pray that journey never ends. These are the things that bind me together, even when I am convinced I will fall apart.

Please pray for the heart of Japan. Wherever it is, it needs to understand truth and a beauty that separates darkness from Light.

Sure this update is a little watered down, but its honest. I could share more, but I don't seem to have the words...

Happy Halloween

just thinking...

2007-10-25T04:19:00.000-07:00

how blessed we are when we stop long enough, open our eyes, and find that the entire sky has bent over backwards and the stars are kissing us atop our foreheads? the dark canopy folds and wrinkles time itself to rip out our still beating hearts and give them extra feeding affection. gifts are thrown before us, but with scaled over eyes, we scurry past, ignorant to everything of beauty. everything that gives meaning to life itself, we hide. why is fear an acceptable mask? why, in fear, do we live our lives, hurting others, judging them, and hating who they've become... when we only hate that which we see mirrored reflections of within our very selves. how will love ever win when we let our callouses dictate the future, rotting the very ground we walk on?

2007-10-22T05:39:00.001-07:00

im tired... in that deep, can't sleep well, cant be happy enough and eat too much sort of way. maybe the word isn't "tired" after all. its looking like "depressed" could possibly work too?

Like a twisting knife...

2007-10-15T06:39:00.000-07:00

Why is there such pain throughout the earth? everywhere you turn, there is some form of war, of greed, of power that has clearly been abused. my heart pains with knowing that we kill one another daily because we think that is how we will ever get ahead. what is war good for? how can slaughtering a people bring justice? how can we ever find the face of Love when we abandon it all together because we have let our hands get covered in blood that was not even ours to take? surely, the lord weeps. and when i slow just enough to remember how horribly narrow-minded we can be as a people, i ache as well. why death? why poverty? why is social change something that a mere trend wants to see happen? why aren't more of us concerned about our brothers and sisters dying from AIDS, abuse, neglect, and war? Why do we turn a deaf ear so easily to the painful screams behind the eyes of those who've been raped, sold, brainwashed, and made silent with fear? We are vengeful... but for what? we were the ones that spat in Jesus' face as we hung him on his cross. and for what? why is this our foundational primal instinct? to kill because we dont understand. to kill because there is a lack of clear power. to kill because everyone else must be wrong. sounds like we are afraid... and running. i hope and pray that we all stop, just enough, to hear once again the call of Love. because at this rate, all we are doing is killing ourselves...

Travels.

2007-10-11T04:53:00.000-07:00

There are new pictures up. Here is my view of Taiwan in a nutshell...

Taipei

being real.

2007-10-11T04:21:00.000-07:00

The seasons change and if we forget to look around, everything has a way of passing us by. We’re busy, we have things that make us happy, things that hurt us and break us, but eventually, everything changes. It is here where the struggle proves itself. It is here where I find that I don't have a “place” to be. Well, of course, besides where I am. Yeah, I know, my own head is confused too.

I don't think I have slowed down to really breath since late June. Surprisingly, my energy keeps building in spite of the momentum here in Tokyo, and I am able to do more than survive, but things are different. I can’t seem to put my finger on it, and I have been warned against even trying, but Japan feels different this go around. Before, I was living here with this metaphor that screamed of a home somewhere else in the world. That I was only here for a set amount of days until the rest of my life began. I don't know when I really started thinking that, and in what brain that was all actualized in, but it was there and it was real and it was ignorant.

My trip home this summer reminded the deeper parts of me how home is carried within and how there isn’t a “place” to belong. Being in the states somehow ripped me open and broke me in ways I couldn’t have prepared for. It was such a strange feeling. I was with those I truly love (and that didn’t change with time and distance), but there was still something that I didn't understand. Don’t bother asking, there aren’t words… and I am afraid that it is merely because I am unable to know. It’s all such a strange feeling. The best words I had when I was home were, “I feel upside down and inside out…” and that hasn’t changed. Much. Here, I am a part of something that I think is bigger than me. I am investing in the lives of children, and they are reacting. I am loving and have a context to love as well as I can possibly try. There is a freedom within certain boundaries, and it's a freedom I can now appreciate after almost 14 months. But this freedom has come at a price. I don't even bother trying to figure out how much that price has amounted to for fear of the honest answer…

I have lost myself here. I wont give up, don't you worry, but I am not who I know that I could be. This city swallows me whole—day in and day out—in ways I can’t articulate. The constant drone of the city and its smells blind me sometimes to even myself. I forget how to think within myself, internalizing my pressing experiences. Slowing down is something to be extremely sensitive to because otherwise, you are neglected. Reconciling myself back into the arms of God while kicking and stomping through this city of blurring lights is pulling my flesh in every which direction it can. I feel blind to who I am and who I am becoming… doubtful if there is even movement in the first place. And what is it all for? I am trying not to care, because I know that the Lord is up to something. He isn’t a God of deception or a god that takes us as far into the wild as he can before he bursts out laughing at our expense. At least, I have to remind myself of that nearly every morning.

Because love is different than that.

Love is beautiful and hard and breathtaking. It’s everywhere, even—no, especially—in the hard things. Yesterday I was reading James 5 and was reminded of the importance in prayer. It was refering to the prayer of faith—this praying and hoping for answers and the movement of the Lord’s mighty hand. Amidst the blinding stimulation, prayer is proving to be a hard discipline. I was happy for the reminder of the POWER in prayer. How silly and strangely stupid of me to forget. How stupid to waste our chances at life because we are busy and over stimulated. Because we cannot rip ourselves away to taste and smell and see. I don't want to live my life to find it was wasted.

I like finding that when I live life, it works.

starting anew

2007-09-07T06:01:00.001-07:00

i have one year under my belt... what does that feel like? good question. i'm not entirely sure. im a swirling whirlwind, trying to remember which is up and what is down. nothing seems the same as anything ever before... things are new; but there is no change. i exist, and i love, but life's been muted. somehow. with each passing day here in tokyo, i feel a little more relaxed; a little more me. but still, im not the same. there is a heavy looming spirit over this land, and i dont know what it wants. i dont know how to help, and i surely dont know how to fight. i feel weak, and apathy is a great deceiver. i wander in between spaces, just to find more questions without answers amidst the humming chaos in this metropolis. no one said this would be easy... but i guess i am just realizing my need, now more than ever it seems, to trust in the goodness of Christ. perhaps the thing that scares me most is that i seem to be forgetting...

2007-06-11T03:25:00.000-07:00

Green looming clouds mirror
heaviness that cuts
and stunts my belief
My tongue was thrown out
with the stale bath water
Sunken spirit to match
such hollowed eyes
Full of an unquenchable
hunger for truth
From a silence so bold
it stings
Skin burns, thoughts warp,
and fingers scrounge
to find and hold
the one
that is LOVE
for ALL...

2007-04-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

When did the sky decide to be loud?
I've always thought it to be
a lame one; without a thought
of its own
But tonight, it got tough.
Sandwiched between a frigid rain
and showcasing clouds mid-pirouette
I am silenced.

The numbing blues and purples backdropping
the formidable world...
A foreground of blooming magnolia
All is full of love
thats true
But the loud is drowning even my own thoughts
Maybe its just time
to feel small again
To quiver at things unfathomable
You reach for it
but all you can touch
are particles
that fail to reach
the heights
just like these nimble hands.

Must you make such a scene?
I'm not in the mood
Who do you think you are?
My head pounds because of you.
You have never been like this.
Why start now?

The clouds dance with you
But im too involved to care
Stop yelling.
I'll notice you later.
Even though you've never been
more beautiful.

2007-03-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

Rarely does the sky use words
But when it speaks, all is still
Electric blue kisses tender puffs of white
Pink teases purple in tango
When did the sky begin to paint
with bloated indigos?
when did grey marry periwinkle blue?
This sky is relentless in its moaning
as if battling the natural course of the sun
Her groans are just as mine
the ones tucked away and hidden from even me
See me and love me
I'm different, but i strain to keep pure
All I hold close
All i have loved
All who have yet to find my beauty.
I am a prism of bent brilliant colour
and still you pass

What shall I paint tomorrow?

2007-03-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

Brilliant lights fill this tent of darkness
Shadows linger where light once ruled
Crisp breeze fills empty space
Illuminating each lonliness to bind together
Our created masques cannot hide from night
Branches still strain in this deafening silence
Like torn pieces of paper, clouds glow in limbo
Greeting all who look upon them
Sharing in solitude; in a strengthening loneliness.

Hafiz, A Mime- Sol Seppy

2007-03-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

A mime stands upon the gallows for a crime he did not do
When given the last chance to speak he remains true
A crowd of hundreds has gathered to see his last performance knowing he will not talk
The mime takes from the sky the circles of bright spheres
Lays them on the table
Expressing deep love for the companionship and guidance they have given him
For so many years
He removes his heart from his body
And seems to arouse all life on this splendid earth
With such a sacred tenderness
There for an extraordinary moment it looked like someone was giving birth to the Christ again
He mounts his soul upon the body of freedom
And grave breeze comes by
And the sun and the moon join hands
And they bow so gracefully
For a moment
For a moment
Everyone knows that God is real
That God is real

people are just people

2007-03-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

i was never invited to think, to truly think, until college. when asked if i could sum up my experience with words, i simply
said (after a deep sigh) that i found myself in college. my true self
was unveiled. and as i think about that journey more, and how it
manages to continue, i smile because people were so patient with me.
and they saw beauty long before i knew i had worth. my low score on my
SAT defined me. i thought i was doomed for mediocrity. but remembering
this, and remembering pivotal conversations deepen my understanding of grace and the beauty of process. there
was a very real time when "philosophy" scared me. i didnt know i even
knew what the word meant. now i am repremanded (in fun) that i think
too far on a plane that isn't frequented. its funny. its funny to
think.

i have been writing a lot more lately. trying to remember my childhood
(and my mother, who has already been gone for 4 years now!) My sister
and i are scrounging to remember anything we can. we are forgetting
the person that was the most important to us in all the world. but
with writing, i am flying above clouds, and it has become some sort of
high finding the portals to my life that i have successfully blotted
out for far too long. for with the good comes much bad... but the
"bad" is evolving. the "bad" has ceased to frighten me. i have found a
new strength somewhere along the road and its a part of me. my father
used to be a very scary man. during his "highs" he'd beat my mother
and attack my sister and i with hard words that cut like thousands of
little knives. i was scared to think my own thoughts. scared to make
decisions. my only refuge was in God. (which, of course, is
wonderful... unless it makes you MORE socially awkward). I got lost in
the flurry, and figured it was who i was meant to be. in the past few
years, life has flipped inside out. its encouraging beyond words... my
dad became a christian in response to my mom's death, and he is close.
even with the great expanse of the ocean. this is something that is
STILL very new to me. and i say, wow. thinking and becoming and seeing
and dreaming; these are all so powerful.

sometimes i feel as though i my old life is made up. that is was some sort of cry for help. for i have changed far too much for this to be real. i have left a trail up this mountain of flaking skin... blood has crusted at the wayside... but i am strong. i dont know what this means, if anything, but i do know that my heart is more sensitve to touch... my thoughts weave through a brightly colored tapestry and beg for more. perhaps they are addicted to thought. but im done feeling bad. im tired of timidly watching life pass, when, after all, people are just people... they shouldn't make you nervous... right?

2007-03-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

the soft string vibrates
filling your lonesome heart
with song
the low resonant chords
dance in gluttonous
ears flowing
a distant piano keeps
safe the beauty of
this ancient story
told through the affection of
a tattered wooden
messenger
like a leaf in the wind, you
are tossed to explore life
in a way that is forever new
innate desires echoed in
on string.
sweetly sing.

2007-03-02T18:35:00.000-08:00

Up then down
flying like dust
Buried below
exploding like light
Gathering crowd
crooked smile
Graceful hands
truth revealed
This seasaw becomes
a bold masterpiece.

2007-02-27T04:57:00.000-08:00

Broken back clouds
amidst parchment sky
Dog eared like a saved page
Straining branches
a hushed breeze
Spotted shadows cast with care
swaying with the shifing atmosphere
A humming bird with people on its back
echoes down the throated street
Bouncing fabric tied to steel welcoming
all thats new, forgetting what has gone
This continuing world scoffs the face of tragedy
Deaf ears bleed
Ignorant hearts shake
But in the distance, the laughter of
an innocent child
And then, the sweeping
awareness of my own
beating heart.

2007-02-27T04:54:00.000-08:00

Clothed with light
she drinks the wind
smelling the golden life
from the earth
Bouncing laugh
skipping joy
heart on sleeves of green
Tender bells
suitcase heart
the sound of breaking glass
Growth untold
glory unseen
but a playground as big as the sky.
She walks with the birds
She flys with the frogs
And the turtles somehow dance
in the soft humming light of her hem.
Torn.

The Tree With Lights

2007-02-25T19:24:00.000-08:00

"One day I was walking along Tinker Creek thinking of nothing at all and I saw the tree with the lights in it. I saw the backyard cedar where the morning doves roost charged and transfigured, each cell buzzing with flame. I stood on the grass with the lights in it, grass that was wholly fire, utterly focused and utterly dreamed. It was less like seeing than like being for the first time seen, knocked breathless by a powerful glance... I had been my whole life a bell, and never knew it until at that moment I was lifted and struck."

on the train

2007-02-23T03:51:00.000-08:00

The cables above the train dance in anticipation keeping time with the pulse of my thoughts. Before the train comes to a stop, the smile of an older woman in a tattered sweater stills me. Her eyes twinkle with blossoms sweet nectar in them as she stares beyond the glass of her world. I am pulled from my own flurried thoughts and into this playground she is discovering. Her eyes have lured me just enough that i now crave the fruit i watched her yearn for. I smiled at the very instant, melting layers built by persistant busy-ness and stubborn pride. It becomes too easy to live inside one's head. Alone with my thoughts, i explore the unknown--but its so foreign when you are alone. But there are always those little things that tear back the scarlet tapestry in my mind, reminding me of the wonderful whimsies in this world to behold. My feet meet the ground again, and i find i am in step with some around me. Down the row of people in this fifth car, a man taps his feet in perfect time to the music of my ears. Perhaps life has a soundtrack after all... you just have to train your ears for its melody...

Ummm

2007-02-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

welp, i have officially begun writing again. where better to HOPE to write, then here? yes. it will come. once i figure a few things out...

2006-12-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

"I have come to realize, that the radiance of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not take away the fragrance of the little violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy... perfecction consists in being what God wants us to be." ~Therese

dreams even still...

2006-11-13T21:28:00.001-08:00

dreaming opens one up for the precise movement of God's hand. In dreaming and in NOT becoming idle, we are moved. the hardness of our hearts is softened, and we are quited as children at the heartbeat of something steady and much greater than we are. but we have forgotten what it is to dream. we have forgotten what it is to say please and thank you. we have forgotten that every moment spent with another human being is one moment in the kingdom of god. love penetrates all things. it covers and envelopes. it humbles, quiets, and stirs. this ebb and flow constantly changes the beauty in the horizon, but the sun remains. what i am sustained by is that i serve a God that asks me to dream and tap into his power, watching and waiting for the day he will move. and when i am still enough, i can begin to see the steps he is taking to get me there. this is all so beautiful, friends. i hope you are experiencing God in the small bigness of life!

Dreaming

2006-10-30T03:11:00.000-08:00

When did we stop dreaming? When did we learn that its easier to grow up than to dream of what we will become. And when did it become OUR choice to say when we are GROWN?! Personally, i think its a load of crap to think that we are too old to dream. Age is relative... self-actualized, if you will. I believe this more and more the older i get... go figure. Somehow, growing as a Christian, i "understood" that by giving up my cross and following HIM, i must destroy the desires of my heart. Not until they were destroyed would i be able to fully understand what it means to seek His kingdom. BUT, surrendering, like the bible is talking about, is different than destroying. In giving our desires over to our Lord, he makes beautiful what we would inevitably mess up. He will give us more than we can ever ask or imagine. This, my friends, is what i think about with dreaming. Dreaming is a gift (so long as we remember to not neglect this day) and we are blessed to be able to entertain it! Needless to say, i have been cleaning out the grubbies in my soul and peeking under each rock i find, in hopes that i will discover more of myself. Instead of being fearful that creepy crawlers will emerge at the churned rocks, i am trusting that i will find a portal. Its there, and my imagination, perhaps my new best friend, will help me find it. God is faithful... even we are convinced that He could care less about such trivial things. after all, this is the rest of our lives, is it not? Happy day. I like this gift of dreaming MUCH.

2006-10-20T04:16:00.000-07:00

Oh how quickly the days can pass when they are filled with love. Today i spoke with several japanese women who were in my home about love. We spoke of fear of inadequacy and fear of failure--and finally, one of these ladies asked her question that i could see written deep in her eyes for nearly 20 minutes up until that point. She let out a deep breath as if she were carving away a piece of herself to put on display for others... and then she said, "I don't want to mess things up. What if i am misunderstood? How do i know that it is worthwhile to seek and give when i am not complete myself?" I smiled deep inside of myself. Something proud unfurled inside of me; that something wasn't mine. It is hard to explain, but then i was able to talk about doing things in LOVE. It is then that the ambiance of our meeting shifted. There were real tears and cries for understanding... this is so hard to come by in Japan. I dont think i even know how to understand that we had such a time together at my dining room table. The Lord is good. He IS our strength and sheild... His grace IS sufficient in our weakness!!