thoughts on emotions and church

i was so sad to leave that strand of islands... it was a roller coaster to be there experiencing life alongside others i haven't seen in a long time, and still don't know if we "figured things out", but we tried. and that breed of trying hasn't been a part of my life in a long time... the straining grip that was curled around my heart has loosened... God met me in that carpet warehouse and my current brokenness is waiting for a healing that i doubted could come. these past two years have seriously been trying on my emotions. like a switch, im cold then hot, depending on my current country of residence, mood, or understood support. i feel more lost, but at the same time, more found, because i know who i am in Jesus somehow. in being so alone so often, i have retreated to him, and/or the idea of him, and its become a "home base" of sorts. he's never far except when bitterness and doubt take me over. but i know that he is ALWAYS my shepherd. he will never leave me in the valley with the shadows of death biting at my ankles... and in this, i find my Savior. not in church programs or in the pain that is so constant in my own church in Tokyo... but in relationship. in being hopeful that this relational church that always cracks me open and blesses me beyond reason, is the church mentioned in the bible. THIS is God's church... and THIS is what i will always love and strive to find (and give?) in our broken and weeping world.