a stirring.

so i've completely forgotten about blogging. i haven't been reading OR writing. perhaps this is weird to say, but my "muse" is back. i'm looking around and finding things worth sharing. i'm feeling things in my heart that are not able to keep silent. so here i am. back to the steady pluck of these keys.

life is weird. how we choose to live it. will we desire wealth and fame? a beautiful spouse? a worthwhile job (and at whose definition??) or will we desire to live as wanderers. i met a man yesterday. he's homeless and rolling through wherever he goes, experiencing the Lord as he goes. he dives into his word and grows with his savior because he isn't living the rat race. he tries not to let the pressures of america defeat his soul like the rest... i was encouraged in our conversation. i also felt a sense of jealousy. it hit me so quickly that i was confused. i became jealous of his freedom and his hope in the one that saved him. he wasn't bound by worldly things (as i have become). he isn't a slave to selfish ambitions or vain conceit. in our talk, the Word came more alive to me and began to wave like a long lost friend across an open field. will i run to hug him? or saunter showing my disbelief? doesn't the second sound so silly when you can call out and reunite?

i am not sure of what i am afraid of. but it has become clear that i am. i'm growing, breaking, and being stirred and its a good place to be. Adam reminded me of that... and i will continue to pray for these new friends of mine.

This spring weather is warming me from the outside in. I am beginning to hear the birds and that is so exciting for me. It is when i hear these birds, that i am able to respond to Jesus' gentle voice inside, and I feel more freedom than I could ever know of my own strength...

Some kinks...

so, i guess im back. if you know me at all, you know im not a "blogger". I'd rather fill my day with other things. Not necessarily that these "other things" are better--they're just... fulfilling. Sharing my brain is something I haven't quite decided to love through the internet. Thoughts and ramblings come out, thats for sure, but these days, they haven't been flowing south to the fingertips. But i will try...

March is over. WHAT?? How did that happen??! We just moved into a big new house, and LOVE it. I have my own enclave in the basement that fits just perfectly, and the basement is almost always quiet. I feel like i have my own apartment! PLUS, im with family. Something that has been severely lacking for the past 3 years. With this and the growth of some friendships, its about spring; inside and out. (Lets just forget about the snow that fell just this morning and covered up my gnomes' little face and red hat!)

I love Colorado. The sky that swallows me whole, feeling small, the closeness of the snow capped mountains, and the fields of grass... this all seems so new. i am used to one of the biggest concrete jungles in the world. Tokyo was a mass God could span with a finger nail, and i learned next to nothing living there for 2 1/2 years. Perspective. What a trip. But being back has been good. not as hard as i thought it would be... and in a few ways, a little harder.

Let me explain. Culture Shock has a way of rearing its head in ways that are completely unsuspecting. I know this now. Before, when i came back from being in Europe where i played with the darling gypsy kids or fed some homeless guys in a park, i felt some sort of guilt for the different lives we led all because of where we happened to be born. After being in Thailand where it seemed everyone had a crippling disease or some other breed of misfortune, i felt responsible for them not having what i wished they could. Even when i got back from Taiwan, i held the weight of the impoverished world on my shoulders because we, as americans, live so comfortably. HOW could i turn a deaf ear? Pretend i never experienced all of that?? But time would pull me from that and sink me back into ignorance. This time, i feel a pulling out of Japan into the pain of America. Its all so backwards. There is so much pain here--so many lost and hurting--and I am seeing that. Without looking back, i can walk with the lessons that ripped me apart and put me back together down inside, and have courage. Courage? yes. i have fear, but im pressing on anyway in the face of that fear.

So im here. Living in a way that forces me to learn. Surrounded by people that refuse to let me stay inactive. Next to family that deserves my everything. I am here. and its working... kinks and all...

God is "Weaving my Unfolding"

life can be so exhausting amidst big change. when you up and move to another country--whether its "home" or not--it drains the life right out of you. im happy to be here with family. YES. but something is just... off. i dont know how to explain it. its hard to not belong somewhere. im missing the relationships and laughter i had in Japan... and tonight its getting stronger. a familiar song comes on the iPod, and it sends my brain in swirls to the life i used to have. to memories revisited where i see joy on my face and hope in my heart. an unveiling of the beauty i DIDN'T see for so long... and how that all changed. and now, here, i feel stagnate in a way, and i dont know how to wait well. i think this is just my fleeting mood for the evening. im unsure. but i know that now, more than anything, i need to cling to the cloak of the One who loves me... praying all the while. yes... here i go.

KODO is amazing.

went and saw them last night. incredible. the amount of strength these guys have... and their stamina! WOW. so good. i wish video could even do justice what it was live. KODO means heartbeat in Japanese... and its true. even Abby's little baby boy was pounding away on her tummy from the inside when the beat picked up...

still, more goodbyes. i dont know if i can take much more...

and still, i am blessed. Mexican Dinner Party tonight! woot woot. and im going to teach these friends of mine about white elephant gifts... heeheheh. please keep praying for me. im still oh so scattered...

oh and im singing in a choir today "Go Tell it on the Mountain". hehehe. this is going to be fun.

Sayonara desu.

goodbyes are HARD. especially when you know they're forever. this leaving is ripping my insides and showing me whats important. my heart is struggling, but still somehow, overflowing. i am blessed. so many people love me... and it is because we took the time to know and care one another. tears. lots of them. my little kids giving me gifts of songs about toys and Totoro and being friends forever. christmas lights and something to do every waking moment to make use of my time.

once upon a time, i didnt really have any friends here. but oddly enough, i no longer remember that! and now i am grieving japan. i will miss her. i will miss waking up every morning and saying hello to Mt. Fuji out my window. i will miss the twinkling city skyline and the respective bows. i will miss this world full of giggles... yes, it will be hard to go.

my adult students at one of my schools totally made me cry. when we said goodbye for the last time, Uchiyama san, my oldest student (a grandma) started crying. that broke me. and we all joined in like some 4 part harmony only God could hear and understand. these groanings are so very intense.

then, i finished my favorite school yesterday. so many parties--it was really special. i had a lot of strange pain there, with those teachers, but all is finally healed! i think everything is fixed; and that is HAPPY. how special it all has been. in saying these goodbyes, i am learning that i made a difference. the girl that shadowed me all night, even when her parents wanted to go--that was because she has learned the face of love. the last laughs bring me joy because i know that my life will continue in the way the Lord wants it to...

now, i must write my christmas sermon. i have NOT been able to focus on it at all this week with everything else going on... i hope to finish it now that its LAST MINUTE for my translator! hahaha

peace to you...

so, if you ever think its a good idea to throw together a meal consisting of tuna, ketchup, potatoes, radishes, and melted cheese on top--DON'T. its DISGUSTING. and no, i didnt think that up myself... i had to eat it today with my kids. and i about puked. lied and said my stomach hurt so i wouldn't offend anyone. blech. im NOT going to miss these lunches. on the other hand, the kids were so sad to see me go today. i will miss them...

the thing about working at 4 schools is that i have to say goodbye and have parties all week. its a lot more exhausting than it sounds... pray for me, would you? this is a TOUGH week...

leaving is drawing ever so near.

its a jumble. all of it. the emotions of loving it here, and the anticipation of going back. seeing the sadness on peoples faces knowing that im going, and knowing that i cannot change it or fix them. there is so much here that i am loving these days. its wonderfully whelming... and i dont know what to do with myself as dday draws nearer and nearer. its good. of course im excited to be home. dont even doubt that for a second, but its really going to be so sad to go. and thats brilliant. i didnt think it would ever end like THIS.

last night i went to a birthday party, and my friends Eric, Mari, and Moto were sad to see me go. they want to try and spend more time with me even though schedules are insane now in the christmas season...its flattering. and precious. and i love them. Eric is the kind of guy that i feel really safe with and comfortable with. we hug and say 'i love you's' and he kisses my head. mari is a christian and has been emailing me about her faith and how she prays diligently for eric to know Jesus... her words were really humbling and beautiful and i hope to show him Love. to help ease his apprehension...

for so long when i came to tokyo, i was living here, knowing that my "real life" was still in the states. well, at some point that switched and the grieving is very real and very deep. i am losing my home yet again and its a really strange feeling to REALIZE this now that its over. i have many friends that i LOVE. a community of sorts... and i dont want goodbye's to happen. i wish i could just go to save face, but t hen that would mean that i dont get any precious quality time in. so... if you know me at all, you know i will endure--push through the sad and HARD ness of it all so that i can look into every one's eyes for one last time.

here we go.

now...

so its about fall. there are crunchy leaves on the ground, and laughter bubbling from my heart. its happy. millie is here for the weekend; we're going to the Passion conference Monday... gotta love world tours!! we're having fun--im having fun. i love hosting--having guests. cooking. laughing over coffee and good music. making memory associations to smells and new sounds. oh its lovely. fall reminds me always of newness somehow. yes, i see the irony--leaves are dying, right? but the explosion of colour always sends me on this flurry of thoughts (thought strings, of course, im circular) where not only am i thankful to be alive, but im happy to be in life--in community--with the world around me. as broken as it is, its beautiful. truly. and i love being a part of its heartbeat. oh, october. full of promise and bloated with joy. what a lovely new place to find myself in. i should have told people i was leaving a long time ago so that they would want to finally invest in our relationship! hahaa. oh, im loving it all...

a bit of newness...

FINALLY. sinking back in. the weather has begun to cool. thats helpful. and the standing up of friends that seem ready (after so much time) to stand up and deepen our relationships. i guess the scare is in them that im leaving... thats good, right? i mean, it is so great that i have friends that are BECOMING FRIENDS as they deepen. ooh, i dont know if that makes sense. we're changing levels. and its wonderful to find that as we get deeper, the friends i picked (that picked me?) are wonderful. that there is only an exciting unfurling of tales and emotions as we work at this whole relationship thing. the other night, i sat with one of my private students in her car (she drove me from school to the train station) and she told me about all of the pain in her life. her mom is crazy and is an alchoholic and tried to kill my friends husband because they decided they were going to divorce in the near future. there are 3 kids involved (all of which are my students) and this is hard for everyone involved. its hard to point a finger on where its all gone wrong because its been ongoing for the past 6 years or so. wow. so in her hand, she held the dark dirty, something hard HARD to do here in Japanese culture, and held it out for me--completely vulnerable. and i took it. with joy. and have been praying for her... and feel like more of my heart is coming alive. i have a freedom to love her. and that has been so new and exciting. there are other stories like this that make my heart soar. its crazy wonderful. im so sad it took this long and this circumstance for people to realize that they must act on their relationship or, well, give up--BUT, im glad that they've learned through our acquaintence... or superficial relationship... that i try to be a safe place to go to. so, im sinking back in here, and am beginning to look at my time left as special... and skunai. not much. not much for all of the things i want to do with the people i am finding i LOVE. and that, my friends, is REFRESHING BEYOND BELIEF. oh, if only i had more words...

i went, i saw, i remembered i love pt. 3

then, to L.A.



Daniel, come on, you aren't REALLY a vegetarian...?



one. sexy. eye.


BEACHING!

my little suzy homemaker :)




"I'm really going to miss you" pose.

i went, i saw, i remembered i love pt. 2

ok ok, so that was all just Maui. Here's a glimpse of Denver.






i LOVE her.

i went, i saw, i remembered i love...

What a lovely time i had on this vacation. it was so refreshing to be with family and with my real self. its funny how when i go out from this place, i feel a different me take shape... its a "me" that i am comfortable with, and am encouraged to know. she strengthens me and brings new light to the world. i wish she weren't so afraid of THIS world... in any event, i thought i would take advantage of the "bloggers world: where real thoughts are given without holding back (hopefully)".

first, i went to maui to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding! it was great to be in that beautiful country, swimming everyday!


ooooooooh...

she sure was beautiful!

ahhhhhhh....




when i needed a breather from the bridal party-ness, here's what i found!

wowowow.

oh maui, i miss you already... i will see you again, one day!

We really had a great time. We all relaxed and caught up and rolled around in our red impalla. it was ridiculous really. we got lost IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD late one night wanting ice cream, and the plans failed. we turned around and headed home. we got fried together snorkeling at some rich fancy hotel and saw lots of crazy cool fish. we shopped, we laughed--oh did we laugh--and just let the island take control. oh, let me not forget to tell you that we loved hearing Laura's rendition of Mt. Aleakala... and the locals LOVED teaching her bad slang. she's just, what should i say... um. super gullible? yes. we love her. we loved it all, really.

cheers!

thoughts...

its crazy how things make sense some how. im here, and im loving it. im loving my time with these friends. these friends that have changed, and are also allowing my changes to teach them who i am now too. we're playing and growing and seeking together. the comfort and the safety in these friendships is refreshing me in ways that i didnt know could be. i feel more empowered to go for my last stint of the way in Japan, and i know that the Lord is with me...and walking before me. i am hopeful that this is all continually making me fuller and more trusting in the Lord. less possessive of the power i hold so tightly to as a human being. i want more, but for the glory of Christ... cheers to these times... these times of stumbling and finding where you least expect the radiant beauty to be!

family is a GOOD THING.

being with family makes sense. it never used to. family always reminded me of things painful. reminded me of fragmented memories that ended in tears, or opened up stories from a well i tried to hide by burying them in darkness. but now, somehow, i feel different. the shards of my past dont cut like they used to. i dont bleed with insecurity and hurt from a hard childhood anymore. and seeing how i react with my family NOW is testament to this present growth? this softening joy that has made it impossible for me to remember my childhood as dark. my sister and i are forever best friends, and i wouldn't change that for anything. she is amazing and strong and bold--things i want to be. in her, i see beauty. integrity. humbleness. and in being with her, i feel rejuvenated. cleansed. understood. it is so marvelous how family can truly band together and give us a back bone worth celebrating. i love it... i hope this "high" lasts... i hope this helps me in my final push... i hope i dont forget all of this... i hope many many things...

thoughts on emotions and church

i was so sad to leave that strand of islands... it was a roller coaster to be there experiencing life alongside others i haven't seen in a long time, and still don't know if we "figured things out", but we tried. and that breed of trying hasn't been a part of my life in a long time... the straining grip that was curled around my heart has loosened... God met me in that carpet warehouse and my current brokenness is waiting for a healing that i doubted could come. these past two years have seriously been trying on my emotions. like a switch, im cold then hot, depending on my current country of residence, mood, or understood support. i feel more lost, but at the same time, more found, because i know who i am in Jesus somehow. in being so alone so often, i have retreated to him, and/or the idea of him, and its become a "home base" of sorts. he's never far except when bitterness and doubt take me over. but i know that he is ALWAYS my shepherd. he will never leave me in the valley with the shadows of death biting at my ankles... and in this, i find my Savior. not in church programs or in the pain that is so constant in my own church in Tokyo... but in relationship. in being hopeful that this relational church that always cracks me open and blesses me beyond reason, is the church mentioned in the bible. THIS is God's church... and THIS is what i will always love and strive to find (and give?) in our broken and weeping world.

maui water on my skin... this is happy.

i am liking this newness... the reunions and the laughter. the swimming and the new people. the new culture... the crazy culture shock i am being crushed under... its all so interesting. mostly its confusing... but im rolling with it all... mostly because the way of the island pushes me that way... we'll see how it all unfolds. a wedding in 3 days. weird. exciting? mostly.

unfurling...

its the most beautiful thing i have felt in months... you know, aside from that one, glorious story on that one magical night... ever since deciding. really actually honestly deciding, i feel myself alive. my fingers are no longer numb and my legs itch to stretch and jump as though they have been healed of some bed ridden disease. i feel hope like its choking me in wonder. how can i complain? its like falling into a meadow where you only thought terror exists. i feel like i'm coming back, and there is no way to stop the momentum. i cried out and was heard. i waited and waited and waited, and the Lord heard my cry. and not only that, but gave me a NEW SONG. and its brilliant. and now, i feel like dancing--something i haven't been able to really do for over a year. i can sing again with freedom of heart. i can laugh and feel my eyes sparkle of joy. this transformation is brilliant. i was so heavy and so dark, and then it came time for this surprising unfurling. oh, may there be more and more and more and more and more of this newness within my soul...

on teeter totters.

when i was a little girl, i nearly had to pay my big sister to play with me. we could have had such fun, but i was too little for so long that by the time i was play-able, she was over it. she didn't need me, she had a system. (it probably helped that when i was not quite 3 and i was pushing her on our rinky dink jungle gym out in the back yard, my two front teeth got knocked out by her feet when i thought i'd go "underdog" style. i mean, all the big kids did it. QUESTION: how in the world, at that age, did i know what the big kids were doing? was i just obnoxiously perceptive? probably not, but what...?

i remember never getting to teeter totter. not until college. and that, my friends is sad. because there is a lot of wisdom in the experience of a teeter totter.

i've said this before, but really truly, what a ride this proves to be. i am so close to claiming the "2 year mark" and it baffles me. time is SO tricky... like, yes. i have been here FOREVER. but really? didn't i just start? how do i know so much of the language and feel so comfortable in the everyday of living in an entirely different country? its brilliant really. the feeling of taming something that seemed to be such a beast. of course, if you know me at all, you know it hasn't been just a lovely gay time. i've been knocked around, and i often think im the person eluded to in stories about the poor kid still running the race after everyone goes home. i'm still running, thats true, but man its exhausting. so fuse that together with my confusion of feeling like i just got here and it gets quite confusing. because if it were true that i did, in fact, just get here... i am REALLY dramatic. but, if i honestly HAVE been here, and have experienced all of THIS that is bobbing about within me, well, then, i say, its time to get home.

"...God brings abundant redemption..."

hope has shattered me. im new. i love that my God chases me and doesn't give up... i love that, even in my smallness, he cares for me with great intentionality and grace. i love to find i am wrong in the face of pain. and i love to know that i am not alone even when lies press in on all sides telling me i'm lonely beyond repair.

this shattering brings me alive.

this livelihood brings perspective... and i know i can make it.
not by my strength... but His.

breathing again. i think i can feel myself standing taller than before...