Some kinks...

so, i guess im back. if you know me at all, you know im not a "blogger". I'd rather fill my day with other things. Not necessarily that these "other things" are better--they're just... fulfilling. Sharing my brain is something I haven't quite decided to love through the internet. Thoughts and ramblings come out, thats for sure, but these days, they haven't been flowing south to the fingertips. But i will try...

March is over. WHAT?? How did that happen??! We just moved into a big new house, and LOVE it. I have my own enclave in the basement that fits just perfectly, and the basement is almost always quiet. I feel like i have my own apartment! PLUS, im with family. Something that has been severely lacking for the past 3 years. With this and the growth of some friendships, its about spring; inside and out. (Lets just forget about the snow that fell just this morning and covered up my gnomes' little face and red hat!)

I love Colorado. The sky that swallows me whole, feeling small, the closeness of the snow capped mountains, and the fields of grass... this all seems so new. i am used to one of the biggest concrete jungles in the world. Tokyo was a mass God could span with a finger nail, and i learned next to nothing living there for 2 1/2 years. Perspective. What a trip. But being back has been good. not as hard as i thought it would be... and in a few ways, a little harder.

Let me explain. Culture Shock has a way of rearing its head in ways that are completely unsuspecting. I know this now. Before, when i came back from being in Europe where i played with the darling gypsy kids or fed some homeless guys in a park, i felt some sort of guilt for the different lives we led all because of where we happened to be born. After being in Thailand where it seemed everyone had a crippling disease or some other breed of misfortune, i felt responsible for them not having what i wished they could. Even when i got back from Taiwan, i held the weight of the impoverished world on my shoulders because we, as americans, live so comfortably. HOW could i turn a deaf ear? Pretend i never experienced all of that?? But time would pull me from that and sink me back into ignorance. This time, i feel a pulling out of Japan into the pain of America. Its all so backwards. There is so much pain here--so many lost and hurting--and I am seeing that. Without looking back, i can walk with the lessons that ripped me apart and put me back together down inside, and have courage. Courage? yes. i have fear, but im pressing on anyway in the face of that fear.

So im here. Living in a way that forces me to learn. Surrounded by people that refuse to let me stay inactive. Next to family that deserves my everything. I am here. and its working... kinks and all...